High ambitions & Indifference

A friend I have through freediving, wrote the following to me:
“You hinted in the blog that you are working on doing things moderately this year, 2019, and I understand that you don’t think, that is what you did in 2018. I would love to read more about how you felt during the time you trained too hard and how you came to realize that you trained too much and how it felt then. “

Reluctantly I realized that a major change was necessary, and I deleted everything from my schedule.

When I read the questions from my friend, I thought: What did I actually feel? What actually made me understand that it was too much? I hope this post gives some answers to the questions.

When good is not enough

I happen to be the kind that is satisfied with neither good or better. What I do should be the best otherwise it doesn’t matter. Much of what I do I try to do as optimized and as efficiently as possible with the best results. This applies to almost everything I do. From how I train, how I perform at work to social gatherings and even how I cut my cucumbers.

This property leads to very good things, but it is also easy to break down in success or on the way to it. You lose yourself and your way and the echoing emptiness arises when you forget the meaning.

High ambitions

The whole thing is based on that I love the freediving, it is so fantastic fun. It gives me so much. During the world championships in June, I talked to people who made me want to achieve more. I came home with so much inspiration and motivation, so I designed a training program that I believed in. It included the gym, running, yoga and pool training. I followed my ambitious plan which included very few days for recovery, but it felt like no problem then, it was so much fun, and my training led to new personal bests.

Time

I trained hard and the training gave me lots of energy. I felt a sense of happiness every time I felt the smell of chlorine and heard the familiar sounds, of water in motion and human voices, that bounced off the bare walls of the swimming hall, but it was too much. Training, work and other time for leisure. The time was not enough. Whatever I did I experienced that I was late in my schedule, I wanted more! When I woke up in the morning I thought it was too late. I was too late home from work and then to training. I went to bed too late. The next day I felt I woke up too late… And so, it went on. I experienced that I didn’t have time to do everything I wanted and tried to catch up by doing more.

I pushed away the emotions…I began to feel indifferent to most things and it was not like me.

Indifference

One week in October I experienced some of the extremes of life within ten days. On my 30^th birthday while celebrating being in the middle of life, I got a message about a passing of a person I had known for almost my entire life, a message I couldn’t handle at that time. I was planning my birthday party for my friends and didn’t have time to process it there and then, I pushed away the emotions. A few days later, one of my best friends got a wonderful little girl. Then it was time for the funeral and another party, with my family. At the same time job and training went on and I didn’t have any time for reflection. The weeks passed and my experience that I was after my schedule in everything I did just grew. Just the idea of new activities in the schedule or meetings with other people made me feel stressed. I began to feel indifferent to most things and that was not like me.

Stay at home!! … and be satisfied with the decision. It’s good for you.

Need for recovery

Valdemar, whom I train with, could see what happened to my energy even on training. He saw that I was not my usual self and encouraged me to take it easy. Something I did not want to listen to. One afternoon before the training, when he knew I needed recovery he wrote to me: “… You don’t have time to reflect. Stay at home!! … and be satisfied with the decision. It’s good for you. “. I wrote, “Why do you write that to me?“…I needed no answer, a few seconds later I leaned back on the couch and gave me time to feel. I felt how exhausted I was, both physically and mentally. Reluctantly I realized that a major change was necessary, and I deleted everything from my schedule.

Be responsive on the top

In the experience that you are at the top, when you have the most energy and capacity, it is important to be responsive. It is important not to be blinded by the successes and the sense of happiness. It might be a peak that hides a steep slope that you have to be observant on. Do not let your successes break you down. Be present and aware, take the time you need for reflection and recovery even though it’s only fun at the moment. Get to know yourself. Be responsive and take your time to understand what you need. If you are good at pushing yourself, you may not need someone else who also pushes you but actually does the opposite. Surround yourself with people who know you and needs. You might need rest. Quiet. Recovery. …maybe breath?

Be careful and listen to yourself because nothing is more important than you! Nothing.

Be kind to your self, be kind to others.

Nicole Edensbo, 2019-02-23
Gothenburg, Sweden